It's Not The End, Only The Beginning
by HFQ-KMS
Summary: From Leia's point of view, it's the end of her life. But, in truth it's only the beginning of it. AU.
1. It's Not The End

**AN: I was listening to the Shinedown song 45 the other day and this popped into my head. I don't agree with suicide and I don't condone it. Just so everyone knows. This is probably the darkest thing I've ever written but I felt it needed out. There will be one more chapter called 'Only The Beginning', while this one is 'It's Not The End'. Did that on purpose. The second one will be like an epilogue. If you absolutley can't stand reading about someone who's given up and is ready to take their own life, _please, _stop reading now. But I beg you, give it a chance. **

**Disclaimer: Whoever now owns Star Wars owns it, but it's not me.  
**

**Reviews? ~LOS**

* * *

It's Not The End…

45

_**(Send away for a priceless gift,)**_

The rain pounded down outside the window, plunging down, searching for Courscant's ground level, only adding to Leia's depression.

_**(One not subtle, one not on the list,)**_

Luke was gone, dead, after being gravely injured when they took Courscant. And Han…Han had been sent away on yet another mission last week.

_**(Send away for a perfect world, one not simply so absurd)**_

She wasn't sure why she expected everything to go so wonderfully after all that had happened. Maybe she'd thought that they could have the happy ending too, just like in the books she used to read as a child.

_**(In these times of doin' what you're told, keep these feelings, no one knows)**_

She was so alone now that Han had left. It seemed that the galaxy was hell bent on keeping them apart.

_**(Whatever happened to the young man's heart?)**_

She wondered if he cared that they were being separated. It was destroying her.

_**(Swallowed by pain as he slowly feel apart)**_

_I just want it to stop_, she thought.

_**(I'm starin' down the barrel of a 45)**_

_I just want it to end._

_**(Swimmin' through the ashes of another life)**_

She looked at the pictures scattered on her bed. It felt like they belonged to someone else.

_**(No real reason to accept the way things have changed, starin' down the barrel of a 45)**_

She stared at the hold-out blaster that lay with them, the one she pulled from its holster earlier that day. _You can't do it_, it seemed to say.

_**(Send a message to the unborn child,)**_

She wondered for a moment what could have been, had things been different of course.

Would there have been marriages? Children?

_**(Keep your eyes open for a while,)**_

She stepped into the 'fresher and looked at herself in the mirror. A tired, strange looking woman greeted her and she was suddenly curious as to where the princess had gone.

_**(In a box, high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else,)**_

She turned back to her room and grabbed a piece of flimsy and began to write.

_**(There's a piece of a puzzle known as life, wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight)**_

_It just doesn't make any sense any more. When you've lost the map you just have to find your own way out. No one failed me, but no one could fix me. ~Leia _

_**(Whatever happened to the young man's heart, swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart)**_

In a sudden fit of rage she swept the vase off of her desk and it smashed on the floor, sending shards flying that cut her.

_**(And I'm starin' down the barrel of a 45)**_

She grabbed the blaster from the bed and stepped to the window, staring out.

_**(Swimmin' through the ashes of another life)**_

It was ironic really, that of all the people who'd ever pointed a blaster at her, she would be the one to pull the trigger.

_**(No real reason to accept the way things have changed, starin' down the barrel of a 45)**_

_I'm getting out, _she told herself.

_**(Everyone's pointing their fingers,)**_

She thought of everything that had happened after Endor.

_**(Always condemning me,)**_

Luke's death, the relocation, Han constantly being stationed away from her, the press finding out she was Vader's daughter.

_**(Nobody knows what I believe, I believe)**_

She had finally stopped going out in public and had resigned her position in the New Republic. No one but Han saw her anymore.

_**(And I'm starin' down the barrel of a 45)**_

_Good bye, Han. I love you. _She raised the blaster.

_**(Swimmin' through the ashes of another life)**_

She heard the door open behind her but didn't turn. She was done. She was getting out. She just hoped it wasn't Han, he wouldn't want to see this.

_**(No real reason to accept the way things have changed,)**_

"_LEIA!"_

_**(Starin' down the barrel of a 45)**_

She let go.

Only the beginning...

* * *

**One last note. A friend, whom I will refer to as Red helped me with the decision concerning who, if anyone found Leia, when they found her, and if she survived. If you think you've figured it out, congrats, we'll see if you're right. If you ask I might tell you. :) ~LOS**


	2. Only the Beginning

**AN: Han and Leia didn't want this one to be short. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last time. There is a POV switch too.  
**

**THERE ARE LINES FROM 45 IN HERE IN THE SAME FORMAT AS LAST TIME. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. IT'S A SLIGHT CONNECTION BETWEEN THE 2 PARTS. Wanted to make sure you all saw that. :)  
**

**Reviews? Please? ~LOS**

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It's only the beginning…

Leia stared out the window the way she had almost 10 years ago. But this time she was smiling as she watched the game taking place in the yard.

The 9, almost 10, year old twins, Jania and Jacen, 8 year old Anakin, and 6, and a half as she said, year old Gema were spread out all over in all different hiding places as they faced off with Winter and Han on one side or another. Mara Jade was perched in a tree, currently playing double agent at the kids' request. It was a common game for them, "underground" versus "legal," and today that meant Rebels versus The Empire.

The game should have been 4 on 4, even with her at the window, because Luke should have been playing, but it was 3 on 3 with a double sider.

She shook those thoughts away and went to join the game.

* * *

_**(Send a message to the unborn child,)**_

He watched her as she stood in the center of the library, turning in a slow circle, looking at the books and other things that sat on the shelves in the small room.

_**(Keep your eyes open for a while,)**_

They were observing their usual ritual; put the kids to bed, come to the library, remember, then retreat to the solitude of their room.

_**(In a box, high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else,)**_

Among those books and such, tucked away so no little mischievous children would get into it was a box, which held both of Luke's lightsabers, one of which had been their father's.

_**(There's a piece of a puzzle known as life, wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight)**_

Also tucked away was a box with a small hold-out blaster inside, wrapped in cloth and placed on the highest shelf, hidden behind books. Said blaster was a violent reminder of something that had almost been and what almost _hadn't_ been.

Han stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Leia's waist as she settled back against him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what, sweetheart?"

She gestured to the shelf where the blaster was.

He turned her around, taking her by the shoulders and looking into her eyes.

"Don't you ever, _ever_, apologize for that. Do you hear me? I should have paid better attention to everything that was going on, but I didn't, and I let you fall to that. So don't you _dare_ apologize for that. It was my fault," he told her firmly.

She nodded, her eyes scared.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair as he pulled her close. "I didn't mean to scare you, Princess. Come on, I'm tired. Let's get to bed."

"You're tired?" she asked. "Darn."

He looked down at her to find a smile curving her lips.

"Maybe I'm not as tired as I thought."

"Good," she grabbed his hand and pulled him from the room.

* * *

She lay curled against him, his arms wrapped around her.

"Han?"

"Hmm?"

"Why me?"

"What about you?"

"Why did you choose me?"

"Because I love you," he said shifting so he could see her face.

"Yes, but I'm so much like…"

"Don't. You are _not _like him. Not at all. Now stop making me do this."

She frowned.

"Do what?" she asked, the frown begging to turn into a smirk.

"You know what I'm talkin' about, Princess."

Now she let the smirk come.

"You make things so difficult sometimes," he waited for her to catch on despite the fact he'd slightly changed the game.

"I do, I really do." She caught on.

He kissed her then and she melted fully, like she used to.

"There she is," he whispered against her lips.

She smiled now as he pulled her closer.

* * *

They sat together watching the sunrise and Han knew she could tell he was having flash backs to that terrible day he'd found her. The day he'd almost been too late to save her, but this time from herself.

_He lay on top of her after having tackled her, and looked down into her terror filled eyes. Something in the back of his mind told her he was crushing her but it didn't matter as long as he kept her away from that gun. _

He shuddered and then looked down to make sure she was still there.

_She sat perched on the counter by the sink as he cleaned the cuts from the broken vase. _

Unconsciously he reached out and brushed his fingers of the scars on her wrists from that incident. Now it was her turn to shudder.

He wrapped his arm around her bare shoulders as the last one came.

_They both stood, staring at the blaster on the floor, where it had been since he knocked it out of her hand. _

"_Would you have done it? If I hadn't caught you?" his voiced disturbed the silence there had been since he found her. _

"_I don't know." _

"_Come with me, we'll leave, get away from here, from all this. We can go where ever you want."_

"_Naboo?" _

"_Sure. Of course. Just don't ever do this again." His voice was pained. _

"_Ok," she whispered. _

He looked out the window at the land around their house, they lived out in the country, their nearest neighbors about a mile away, but they weren't cut off from the world, just separate.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I know."

He waited. She always said it back.

"I love you, too."

Not the end…

* * *

**"Not the end..." is not a guarantee there will be more. I don't know yet. If something come to me you'll know.~LOS**


	3. Author's Note PLEASE READ

**PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE READ THIS. IT WILL EXPLAIN SOME THINGS IN THE STORY.**

**First of all, for anyone who's done their research you know that the song 45 is NOT about suicide, I know that too. The song, in fact, is about moving on. I have told some of you that there will be another chapter, and there will be, eventually. In the second one I tried to show that they were both trying to move on but there was to much to be said for you to get the feel of it.  
**

**From the lead singer of Shinedown in an interview:  
**

**The inspiration from the song really came from – I think a lot of people kinda take a literal sense because of the lyrics – but the song is basically about the day that you wake up and you look at yourself in the mirror and you finally decide that you want to try to become comfortable in your own skin, and realize that you're gonna have to make yourself happy before you're going to make anyone else happy. And basically, the 45 isn't an actual literal term for a gun, I used it as a metaphor for the world, the .45 is actually the world and what it hands you every day of your life. When you get up, it's a gift to be alive to begin with. A lot of different people, when I've talked about it, they said, "Do you really honestly mean that?" And I'm like, "Well, yeah." Because I've been in that situation where I didn't know if I wanted to continue going on and I didn't know how to necessarily make myself comfortable with who I was, trying to find a way of learning more about myself. And you come from a dark place sometimes, and that's really the reality of the song. It's about overcoming and about moving forward. And it's basically about understanding that it's not always going to be good, but you really have no one to blame for yourself if you don't move forward. That's where the whole, "Nobody knows what I believe," [comes from] because we're all individuals. So that's really where it comes from, it's about moving on, really.**

**Yes, I do realize that Leia attempts to kill herself in the first chapter, and that I took a rather literal interpretation in the first part but that's what it took for me to get them to a point where they could begin to heal because Luke's already dead so I had to push it one step farther.  
**

**The last chapter should help get the message of the song across.  
**

**Hope this helps. The last chapter should be up next week, if not sooner.  
**

**~LOS  
**


	4. You Just Have To Put Yourself Back Toget

**AN: Ok, this is it. I may do a little short in my series "Screams, Whispers, and Echos" but I haven't decided yet. I know, I'm terrible, this is almost 2 weeks late but I had a lot of trouble with this one and the inspration wasn't there until I went back to school. And, just so you know it won't let me put the whole chapter name in.  
**

**I don't own Star Wars...or the Hunger Games...or Finnick Odair...or Han and Leia...but I might own Gema since she's an OC...  
**

**Reviews? ~LOS**

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"It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." Finnick Odair, _Mockingjay_ by Suzanne Collins

10 years, and 4 months since Leia's attempted suicide

It's not the end, Only the beginning, You just have to put yourself back together…

_Move on_.

People were waiting for her to move on.

_It's been 10 years, pull yourself together Leia! _She scolded herself.

She jerked, suddenly feeling Luke's presence.

"Leia?" Luke's presence vanished as she turned to see Han standing in the doorway.

"Hey,"

"Hey yourself. You okay?"

"Luke was here," she whispered.

"Oh," he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Did he talk to you?"

"No, I think he wants me to just move on, just forget."

"He probably does, he doesn't want you to stay lost in the past when you have a future."

"Why do you always get philosophical on me when something like this happens?"

"Don't try to Princess, just sayin' what I know."

"With slightly better grammar and pronunciation."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"Shut up."

* * *

10 years and 6 months since Leia's attempted suicide

"Mommy?" Gema called into the library.

Leia turned to look at her daughter. Gema held a book in her hand, one that Leia hadn't seen in years.

"Mommy, what's this?"

It was a book Luke had brought with him when he left Tatooine. She couldn't remember the exact story but she had one just like it, with one difference. Hers was written in an ancient script, a cross between Alderaanian and Nubian, that was now used as a top secret code only under extreme circumstances. Luke's was written in some Tatooinian script that was also a code used under the same circumstances.

Leia took the book from her daughter and led her outside to sit under the tree. There they were joined by the twins and Anakin and she read them the story, translating it with help from Luke who gave her the words she couldn't read through their twin bond.

As she stumbled over one particular sentence Jania heard Luke.

"What was that?"

"_Who _was that?" Jacen corrected her.

"That was your uncle," Leia said.

"Uncle? Like Uncle Luke?" Anakin asked. Leia nodded.

"I thought he died," Gema said, confused.

"He did. A long time ago. But he can talk to me through the Force because of our twin bond."

"Like Jaya and Jace?" Anakin asked thoughtfully.

"Kind of. But it's a little different since Luke's not…around anymore…"

Her children nodded, looking around at each other.

"Different," Jania repeated.

"Different," Jacen said with a nod.

Leia could only continue with the story, sure that this conversation had had a huge impact on her children.

* * *

They sat in the library and watched the moon rise into the sky. Leia and Han. Soon they would be one again. Complete. For Leia was healing. Reading the book, talking to the children, hearing Luke's voice, it was all helping.

It had taken 10 years but the Princess of Alderaan was finally healing. She would never be truly the same, a part of her would always be empty but she would get better.

"_C'est la mort," _she whispered.

"That is death," Han translated. "But this isn't."

"No, this is life," she tucked herself under his arm. "This is _love_," she said quietly. "This is love."

* * *

Han awoke to an empty bed and a silent house. A quick glance at the chrono on the bed side table told him it was too early to be up. He started to role back over but something stopped him.

_Sunrise_, a little voice whispered.

"Kriff, Leia…" he sighed as he climbed out of bed.

* * *

He found her under the trees out front in a loose, white nightgown that blew gently in the breeze.

"He died in the time between moon set and sunrise," she said as he approached, still watching the sky.

"I know, I remember."

He would never forget it. Seeing Leia sit by Luke's bed, clutching his hand, her eyes cold and dead.

"_Luke, Luke, please, oh Luke. Please, we need you. I need you to teach me about the Force and to remind me over and over that our father was a good man. Please Luke, stay alive, you can do it, it'll all be fine. Just please stay with me," Leia begged. _

"_You'll be fine, Leia. You don't need me."_

"_But I do," she turned to Han who stood behind her. "Tell him!" she begged. "Please!"_

"_You can't let this be the one that takes you out, Kid. We all need you here."_

"_You have to learn to live on your own." _

"_Luke! LUKE! LUKE! PLEASE! NOOOOO! LUUUUKE!"_

After Luke's death Leia had slowly fallen. First it was showing up to work late and, if Han wasn't home, hung-over. Then it was her only going to work when he was home. Then she'd quit, choosing to spend all her time in their apartment. Winter had let him know while he was away on some 'important' mission from the higher-ups. After her suicide attempt he had decided it was time to get out.

He'd called the Rogues and Winter explaining that no one could know they were leaving. The Rogues had caused a diversion so Mon Mothma and the others wouldn't know and the minute they were gone Winter scrubbed the traces of them leaving from every databank around and had erased them from Naboo's once they arrived. Few knew where they were, and the mystery of where they'd gone to had never been solved and no one had ever checked for any records of children.

"I feel lighter," Leia said, interrupting his thoughts.

"That's good," he pulled her close and watched the sky with her.

"I guess we've come full circle," she said as the sun finally began to rise into the sky.

"I guess."

"Let's go back to bed," she said, turning towards the house. "I'm tired."

* * *

10 years and 12 months since Leia's attempted suicide

It was the last day of the year when they sat on the roof at midnight.

"I love you," she said, snuggling up against him under the quilt that was wrapped around them.

"I know," he replied, holding her tighter. "I love you too."

"I know."

-finish-

* * *

**AN2: A last note. I never wanted to write this story, let alone post it, but, thanks to Red, I did and have received mostly good reviews. I hope you all liked it. ~LOS**


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